Exhaustion

To say that adulting is exhausting right now, would be the understatement of the century. Even being a kid is an endless string of activities, events, play dates, tests, and whatever. Many of us are chronically sleep deprived to start with, but what about the emotional and spiritual toll this modern world lays on us? How does chronic sleep deprivation factor into these elements, and how do we get out of the ruts in which we find ourselves? I can assure you, we are not going to “self care” our way through the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, loneliness, anger, loss, shame, frustration… or much else. The whole idea that we can find salvation in a product, concept, or idea, has been the biggest of the big lies of human history. But really though, how do we find it? Asking for a friend.

There has to be a balance struck again, if ever there was one, in our daily lives. For instance, I get up VERY early every morning, so that I have time to collect my thoughts before the action of the day, especially weekdays. I have about 1-2 hours before the house starts to wake up. I’m able to read the news, make coffee, do some yoga or meditate, catch up on social media, and maybe even get some breakfast. I wake the kiddo up for school, and we are off to the races from there, until bedtime for us both. By 8:30pm, I’m soooo ready for bed. That’s just the regular schedule we have. It’s summer break now, so things are a little different. I still get up with the sun, and want to crawl into bed at the same time as always. I definitely like a routine. However, the last several days have been different. Perhaps it’s the humidity where we live, or that our school-year routine has been disrupted, but I can say I’ve been walking around like a zombie. I’ve been doing some learning courses in the early mornings, and the kiddo has been in summer mode, sleeping in typically. I’m way too high strung to sleep in or take naps. I’ve been an insomniac as long as I can remember. The balance to the crazy days are those moments of quiet in the morning; rarely is anyone up with me, save for the dog. I can attest that this week has been a challenge to find that balance, since the kiddo has also been fighting a summer cold, waking up early in the mornings, and struggling to get to sleep at night for the same reason. I’m grateful that I’ve been available to attend to the illness and a kiddo who needs me, but losing the balance time has been noticeable.

In contrast, it has taken me decades to get to this place of understanding rhythms. I’m a routine-oriented, Type-A, highly anxious human being, so “relaxing” isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My version of it is cleaning the kitchen or sitting here at my desk writing. I spend about an hour or so on the couch in the evenings with my family, generally unwinding from the day, but even then, I’m typically multitasking on my phone. It’s the main time that I get to see my husband, as he often works longs days away from home, while I work at home and chauffeur a small human to and from school.

But why? Why is it so hard for me to wind down? Probably the same reasons that you and many other people do. We are overstimulated, overworked, overtired, while simultaneously undervalued, and under-connected with. It’s a wild dichotomy and how we found ourselves here is a modern human invention. It didn’t have to be this way. I’m not someone who has nostalgia for the hunter-gatherer days, by any stretch. I enjoy not being a nomad (in some ways), having a permanent home, and being able to have that routine I speak so highly of. I like modern conveniences for stuff, too. However, at the same time, I loathe the idea of credit scores and preventable wars, billionaires and their race to the stars. I’m pretty much over most of it.

This leads me back to balance and exhaustion. It’s fucking exhausting living in the modern age. We are distracted, disconnected from everything that matters, and more diseased than ever. There has to be some sort of balance. We have to find the simplicity and joy of connection, focus, and love. If we come from a place of love and connection, all things are possible, in my opinion. Obviously, peace and love aren’t going to get the richest among us to pay more in taxes or end world hunger anytime soon. I’m not delusional. However, it’ll make our time on this rock suck marginally less, and give us the community of friends, family, and neighbors that we so desperately need. We will make connections with those around us, help us find support during the hard times, and have folks to celebrate with us during the times we need to throw a parade for our successes. It makes every single thing suck less, to not be an island. It’s the love and connections that will get us through.

One of my besties literally just called me, while she is on a weekend trip with longtime friends and family, to tell me about a win she just received. A 30 second phone call to say “Hey I got the great news in an email just now, and I had to share it with you”. I told her how amazing I thought it was, and told her congratulations. That was it. Love you, bye. End of call. This is the shit we need. People in our corner to fight and celebrate with us, so we can help each other carry the weight of the crazy world. This is how we strike the balance between overwhelming existential dread and a throwing fucking party. Also, as a brief aside, surround yourself with people who fill your cup up, recharge your batteries, and give a crap about you, as often as humanly possible. The alternative is miserable- 0/10- Do Not Recommend. Not only will we find better balances in our lives, but we will find the drain far less exhausting to endure. Life is short, fill as many moments as possible with love and compassion.

Thank you for reading